The Invisible Contract: The Rules of My Unemployment

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses financial abuse, child neglect, and physical assault (choking).

The No-Win Game: Sabotage, Daycare, and the Art of Control

There is a common myth that survivors of abuse are "lazy" or "don't want to work." Let me clear that up right now: I started at Kroger at fifteen. I love working. I love the social aspect, the productivity, and the independence.

But once I was married, my career wasn't mine anymore. He would tell people he wanted me to have a job, but the truth was that he set a list of "rules" designed to make success impossible.

The Impossible Criteria

To be "allowed" to work, a job had to:

1. Match his gaming schedule: I had to be the primary parent during the day so he could play video games in peace.

2. Meet a specific "worth": If it didn't pay significantly more than daycare, he deemed it "not worth it."

3. Be infinitely flexible: I had to be able to drop everything the second he decided he didn't want to be a dad that day.

4. Enforced Isolation: I couldn't befriend anyone, especially men.

In a small town with one stoplight, these rules were a cage. But I tried anyway.

The Grocery Store: The "Phone Game"

I took a late shift at the local grocery store so I could feed our daughter and get her to bed before starting. It was working—until he decided he didn't like my coworkers.

He began a campaign of harassment, calling the store constantly with "emergencies" or fake questions just to force me off the floor. Eventually, my manager had to give me an ultimatum. My husband's response? He rationalized that it was their fault for losing me. I was forced to quit.

Around this time, the red flags for our daughter’s safety became impossible to ignore. I once came home from an OT shift to find her in the same diaper she had worn at daycare 12 hours earlier. He hadn't changed her, bathed her, or cared for her once. When I called him out, the argument ended with me being thrown against the wall. I realized then that I couldn't trust him with her life for even a few hours. So it truly became a follow his rules to keep her safe instance and I cannot stray from that or risk her safety. Her safety was something I would never risk.

Tractor Supply: The Daycare Sabotage

I was so proud when I helped build the new Tractor Supply in town from the bare floors up. I was good at it. I was getting recognized and offered promotions. This terrified him.

When his "phone game" didn't work on the store managers, he went after our daughter’s daycare. He picked fights with the staff, "canceled" checks, and eventually withdrew her without telling me. With no other daycare in a one-stoplight town, I had no choice but to leave the best job I’d had in years.

The Physical Mark

I once tried a job at a check-cashing place in the next town over. On day three, we had an argument that ended with his handprint bruised into my throat. I showed up to work late, shaking, with a visible mark of what my morning had been. I mean you could count the fingers on my neck. I was let go at the end of the shift. They didn't give a reason, but I knew: nobody wants to hire the "drama" that an abuser creates.

The Only "Allowed" Path

The only job that "worked" was retail merchandising. I traveled to different Dollar Generals to swap out magazines. I could take my daughter with me.

This was the only job he allowed to last. Why?

• Because there was no daycare for him to sabotage.

• Because having a child in tow kept me "in line."

• Because the hours were minimal, ensuring I was still home to cook his dinner and get him to work.

• Because I was trackable, isolated, and small.

Closing Thought: It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't "bad" at keeping jobs—I was being prevented from having a life outside of his control. Today, as a Director of Operations for a well-known tech company, I look back at that girl in the Dollar General aisle with so much pride. She was doing the impossible: working, mothering, and surviving, all at the same time.

Have you ever felt like you were "failing" at something, only to realize later that the deck was stacked against you? Let's talk about reclaiming our worth in the comments.

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The Reality of Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is about more than just money; it’s about removing a person's ability to choose their own future. If you are being prevented from working, or if your partner is sabotaging your employment, this is a form of domestic violence.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788.